Dealing With Madness

It’s time to be honest. I am sick. I suffer from bipolar disorder and now I’m in a hypomaniac period. I always use to be more sad in the winter, some years worse, or some years not at all, almost. This winter is the worst for many years for me. That I can tell you right now. I have therefore on sick leave from work.

It was on my work I understood that something was wrong. Causing drama and getting angry at people, or over protective and paranoid, has been something normal the last weeks on my job. I got obsessed with a suspicion of that a college is suffering from psycical ilness and was cutting himself. I had no proof for it at all. It was just an obsessive idea I got from nowhere. I wanted to help him and inform my colleges about his problems. When they asked why I thought this about a co-worker, the only so called “proof” I had was no proof at all. Just me overthinking. People started to get annoyed at me and they gave me a really big remark for my accusations. As soon as I got the remark, I understood how wrong I was all the time. I had no proof. It was just my mind spooking. I started to feel ashamed about what I had done and later, I started to cry. I cryed so badly because I realised I was mentally ill and needed therapy for my mania.

The stress, pressure and worryness I have been caring since last week has surely been a big part of my hypomania. It was stress due to brawls at work almost every day, fear of losing good friends and all the other intrigues that has been going on for the last weeks. I sleep to little as well. Only about five or four hours by night, which make my brain overheated sometimes.

But the scariest things are the memory slots. Friends and family are telling me that I’ve done and said completely outrageous things, that I don’t remember myself. I was recently told, that when I celebrated my little brother’s birthday, I collected the food on my plate as normal, but suddenly, I left the table and came back with a handful och chicken right in my hand and just placing them on my plate. Not very nice and hygenic, especially not in these pandemic times. I had no memory at all of doing that, and I would never do it knowingly.

As you all can see, I am now home from work and this monday, I will go to the psychiatrist and start to deal with my mental issues. In the meantime I will soon be started with my novel.

However, there are some good news as well. The last month, I have lost over five kilo of my weight. And then I havn’t even tried.

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